OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP (A letter of closure)

I am following your advice. What I cannot say to you face to face I am writing down in this email. It’s a bit late I suppose. But I think that I need to explain to you why I have been acting strangely around you for some time now. Maybe this will satisfy your curiosity once and for all. And though I know you don’t care for what I’m going through, I am still doing this (writing to you) for my own good. As my sister said, I can’t go through this without telling you what I feel, knowing that 5 years from now, when by chance I would see you again, I’d realize that I’m still affected by you and I still have not told you why.

We’ve been going out for years and you’ve told me more than once or twice that we are just good friends, and we will always just be good friends. Deep in my heart, I never really wanted to believe this. I have always hoped that we will have a more special relationship. So you can say that I was in denial and I refused to hear and see what you were telling me and showing me in so many ways.

I have decided to accept things as they are between us, but I always knew that my heart told me differently. When something affected me so much, and I wanted to share with you or to tell you, I often feel hurt knowing that I can never share those things with you because we just don’t have that kind of relationship. I get scared at the thought that if I started telling you things and sharing my feelings with you, I would always end up rejected. But just the same, whether I do risk being rejected by telling you what I feel, or I just keep to myself and not even give you any hint of what I’m going through, I still feel the same pain. Actually, come to think of it, you were right in telling me that I’m just torturing myself because by not letting you know, I just keep going through the same cycle over and over again. And this had been going on for years.

Showing feelings has never been something that I am good at. My jolly disposition always covers up for many of my insecurities. But with work, with family, with friends, with other things, I always get through my insecurities. It’s only with you that I can’t get over my feelings.

I think you have this notion that there was something that happened which made me mad at you. In a way, there was. When we all went out with our friends in A because of C, I ended up feeling sorry for myself. I know that I have no right to feel that at least you could have been more sensitive that night. I texted you in the afternoon asking if you were joining us. When you didn’t reply, I thought you were not going. Somehow, I already had an inkling that your presence there with C would affect me. But just the same, I made good with my promise to G that I would go there. I didn’t think that it would matter to me. When I came in, and saw you and C sitting together, I wanted to go back out the door and leave. That’s how miserable I felt. I guess I decided to torture myself by sitting down at the table and even staying until the end of the gig, and seeing the two of you together like old times. How masochistic can I be? Well, I never did realize I can be that stupid to even stay that long and pretend I was ok. (I did pretend very well, because I was able to hold back my tears for hours! I never thought it was possible until then!) For someone who’s very good at coming up with so many excuses not to go or stay long, I failed dismally that night.

I knew then and I still know now that I have no right to feel this way about you. It was very clear from the beginning that you and I will never have the kind of relationship that you and C, or you and your girlfriends, had or have. I tried to deal with the truth. But maybe it’s my insecurities that made me not accept this truth. And so, when finally, after all these years, I had come face to face with what I was denying all along, by seeing you and C together, I got another moment of reality check and realized I am still affected.

Blame it on my insecurities, or you can say it’s all in my head and all that…but bottomline is: I still feel something for you and that I still get affected by what you do and what you don’t do.

So don’t think that I’m mad at you because you didn’t even say hi and goodbye to me that night, or that the day you said we’d watch a movie and suddenly you changed your mind. Of course I felt bad about these, I won’t lie. But it’s all about all those years that we’ve been friends and I have not learned to accept that that’s all we are ever going to be --- just friends.

Now I hope that you understand why I needed you to stop texting me. I realize that it will always be easier for you to decide not to text me anymore than for me to keep ignoring your messages. I won’t be able to resist replying once I see a text from you. And when I do reply, then I will just go back to my pattern of torturing myself with feelings that you will never reciprocate even if I keep trying to be nice and good to you. I know that there’s nothing that I can do or say or show or change about myself that will make you fall in love with me.

Honestly, I am hoping that we can still act as normal friends to each other after this. I wish it’s that easy because I don’t want to lose good friends at this point in my life. But I won’t pretend that this is possible. I know that this time around I have to consider myself. Your friendship means a lot to me. But I can’t try to hold on to it, if I will just be hurting and be unhappy. I’m sorry if I expected more from you. It’s not your fault that you cannot meet my expectations. But I also cannot settle for a relationship that I know will not lead me anywhere, except in pain. (I don’t want to become a grumpy and bitter old maid, you know.)
You were the one who reminded me that in 5 years, we’d be 40 years old. For you, maybe life starts at 40. For me, I think I have to start now. For many years, I have been living in a delusion that you and I were meant to be together. My delusion has to end at some point.

HELPLESS (IN THE SADDLE)

(a pathetic attempt to sound like a movie title!)

I never thought I’d get to this point of utter helplessness.

I’ve read in fiction books about how people lose all their money and end up in deep debt. I’ve read about how they had to resort to extreme acts just to get by. I’ve read about how they fell so low in life that to face people around them was a humiliating experience. Oh I never thought I’d experience these for myself!

I’ve accumulated so much debt in the past year that I am way over my head in thinking where I’d get the money to pay for it. The interest has compounded over the interest in my credit card accounts, and I still owe my sister and a friend about P60,000! Right now, I don’t even have enough to get me through the week. I have exactly P500 in my wallet just for my fare to and from the office. It won’t even get me to buy snacks when I get hungry during work. Worse, I have three credit card bills way overdue and one of them isn’t even under my name — it’s under my dad’s so it’s something I have to prioritize when I pay — and two telephone bills due for payment. And I don’t know how I’d get the money to pay even 10% of them!

I feel so bad about my reckless spending in the past year. I lost my job in July, and I know I should have tried to save whatever money I had left instead of insisting on traveling and going out and using my credit card bills to pay for them in the meantime. I was too confident then that I’d land a job soon enough to get me through these bills anyway! And look where I am now?

I feel so poor and deprived. I’m now thinking of selling my digicam and other more expensive items that I own (which isn’t really much!) just so I can pay off some of my debts. And even if I sold everything that I own, I won’t be able to pay off all of them!

And know what makes it worse? I have a job. But it’s not paying me enough for me to clean out my obligations — not even in a year’s time! (I’m on my fifth month already and I’m still accumulating more debts!) Worse than worse, my salary has been deducted because of my tardiness at work! This life really sucks!

Here’s a lawyer who graduated from a very prestigious school, passed the bar only after one take, has the idealism that may make a good lawyer in this country, but is now in a small publication/advertising company, earning minimal income from work that she slaves over for, gets no gratification from the fact that some people at work are immature bastards, and trudges to work everyday just to earn a decent living — just so she can try to pay her debts!…But it’s not working! I am ashamed to admit any of these to anyone, because I know what they’d say — I did this to myself, and I’m the only one who can get me out of the situation I got myself into in the first place. So why even bother telling it to them if I’ll only hear them repeat what I have been telling myself already? I’ll just feel worse about myself!

Oh such a humbling experience for me! And now…I honestly don’t know what to do!

NEW YEAR, NEW JOB

I have a job. So I can now erase the “jobless” in the title of this blog. But wait, isn’t it believed that you don’t consider work as a job if you love it? Maybe I’m still jobless in a way because so far I’m liking what I’m doing. So there.

Yes, it is a happy new year for me thus far. I’ve had the job since the first working day of this year. Lucky, am I not? After all, I’ve been income-less for practically 6 months!

Problem is I’m still cashless. Until I get my first pay check, I’m getting my funding from my past loans from my sister, my friend, and, of course, the ever-reliable banks!

This doesn’t mean my debts will be forgotten though. Truth is, I think my cashless days won’t be over until I actually recover from my debts! I’m not even thinking of how much money I’ll have left every payday! Guess my plan to rent my own apartment unit will have to be postponed.

So anyway, I think I should stop worrying about that when I actually have the money to pay off some of them!

My work is with a company that publishes a health and lifestyle magazine. Don’t ask me the name of the magazine because I’ve already mentioned it! A lot of people at the office probably wonder why a lawyer decided to take on an editor’s for a magazine being published for healthcare professionals.

Yes, you read that right! I’m a lawyer-editor for a medical lifestyle magazine. Sounds strange doesn’t it? But it’s true, and I guess I don’t have any reason to be ashamed of it. The work entails a lot of copy editing, more than actually understanding the meningococcemia virus and endocrine problems, and all those weird-sounding medical terms and diseases that make you feel sick already just by mentioning them. (With legal terms, it sounds more intellectual and glamorour!) It’s all very new to me, but so far, I find the editor’s job interesting.

More so because I’m a boss. Yes I am. I have two staff writers directly under me, and four others whom I can assign some tasks to, plus one artist dedicated to do work for the magazine’s layout. And almost everyone at the office calls me Ma’am, the junior staff at least, and some managerial people address me as “Attorney.” Right now, I’m feeling how good it is to have people address you in that way, and at least I can sense respect for me as well.

Plus of course I have my own little corner in the editorial room, and I do have enough space in my work station to lie down if I wanted to. Imagine, I have a separate table for the computer and a wide desk to show off all my clutter. Then I have a shelf behind me, and some cabinets I can actually lock. (I am even considering putting some office clothes there so I don’t have to wear them going to work. But I’m holding off on the idea as people may think I’ve decided to live there.)

On my first day, I was given those fresh-from-the-bookstore-smelling office supplies. And excited little me immediately opened them and started to lay them on my wide desk. The next couple of days, I brought some stuff I’ve had in my own filing cabinet at home and displayed them on my wide desk.

For years, I’ve always had my own little unorganized computer desk and “office” along the hallway of our house. This served as my office for all those years. Even when I did my consultancies for the government, I didn’t have this personal space I could call my own. Always thought I didn’t need one anyway, so I never demanded to have it from the offices I’ve served. So now, I know how it feels to have my own work station. Settling down isn’t so bad after all…so far.

I'M UP TO HERE

Oh boy!

I just got a letter from one of my credit card companies. It said,

We regret to inform you that your above-mentioned account has been cancelled, rendering your card invalid and unacceptable at all merchant establishments. All privileges accorded with your card has been revoked.

Well I regret that too. My card has been invalid for months now. And whether they're acceptable or not, I won't even try using it to pay for anything anyway because I don't buy anything anymore. So don't bother telling me that! And wait a minute...All privileges??? What??? I pay 200 plus plus pesos every month for an accidental insurance which your company compelled me (well...sort of...) to agree on getting! And now even that has been revoked? Oh now what will I do when I get into an accident?The only accident I'll be getting into may be to accidentally murder your annoying and harassing call center agents!

Final demand is hereby made for full settlement of your balance due immediately in order to avoid further serious actions we may take. We will await said payment and the surrender of your _______ card cut into halves.

Final demand!...Sounds like something I would write for a client when he/she has to collect money from a debtor who refuses to pay. Now it's addressed to me! Sigh...Now I feel so ordinary...just like everyone else who grabbed every opportunity to be a glamorous customer who pays using plastic only to be brought back to reality by a final demand! But I wonder, what further serious actions will they take? Hmmm...maybe have me abducted and keep me for ransom? Ambush me while I'm on my way out of the supermarket, with groceries exploding in all directions after they stuff my body with bullets? Take me in for interrogation and all the investigating men will be wearing serious faces? Could "serious" possibly mean that? Oh and my poor card! I shall kill it with my scissors! How could they actually demand that from me? I can take the "final demand" thing, and the "serious" bit too. But cut my card into halves? That's asking for too much! You're gonna regret that you had me go through this just to pay a silly debt of a few thousand pesos!

Please contact us at ______________ immediately.

Ok. I've seen "immediately" used in this letter twice. So...what does that mean? According to Roget, immediately means: instantaneously, in less than no time, at a stroke, in a moment, no sooner said than done. So when the letter said "immediately," I should have rushed off to the nearest bank and paid instantaneously, in less than no time, at a stroke, in a moment, no sonner said than done. Yes...I guess I should have! A moment later was too late, and so they will take serious action! Oooohhh...I'm soooo scared!

Ah...All I'm sure now is that I have no money...not even a single peso...to show the bank! I'm not only up to here, but I'm also dead meat!

ANNOYING

Fine. So I owe thousands of pesos to my credit card companies. And I have not paid my bills --- which incidentally I haven't opened yet --- for a good two whole months.

But! That doesn't give them an excuse to annoy our whole household with telephone calls every hour. Or to investigate on my whereabouts when someone does answer the phone at home. Or to cross examine my mom who only answers the phone by accident because she was expecting a personal call. Or to pretend to be someone I know personally by answering, "This is a personal call," when asked, "Who is this?" (Geez! And it's not even responsive!) Or to call up, and then asks the receiver to, "Please hold," (which is even a recorded message). Or to hang up when the answering machine answers. (Don't they know how to use these things?) Or to threaten anyone who answers that I will be charged 10 times my balance if I don't pay within the day. (Spare me, please... if I had the money I would pay you know! But obviously I don't that's why I can't pay, as much as I so eagerly want to. They might as well threaten to have me jailed for it!)

Sigh...

So this is how it is to be so much in deep debt. Come to think of it, I used to have people come to me with hundreds of thousands of pesos in debt with credit card companies, asking for assistance to reduce their outstanding obligations. They are a hundred times in deeper debt than I am (and they've been failing to pay for years!), and yet here I am getting the brunt of my excessive and extravagant spending on my trips! Yup, that's where most of my credit went anyway.

But alas! I have no regrets of borrowing money from banks to use for my trips. What I regret is not having found a job as soon as I lost the last one. I wouldn't be in this deep shit now if I still have some substantial income.

Worse, Christmas is coming and I very much doubt these banks care anyway whether I'm a penniless and jobless lawyer who won't be able to give any gift at all to anybody. Of course I'll find a way to make my gifts instead of buy them. What I can't do is to find a way to pay off my minimum balance for the last three months. I wonder how long before they refer my case to the legal department? Hmmmm....

GRABBING EVERY OPPORTUNITY AND ALL THE CLICHE

Oh well. I'm now out of job for exactly 139 days. And boy what opportunities have I grabbed! However, they do not include a job!

My lame attempt at being part of the entrepreneural bandwagon has found its way out of the bag. It's largely because of my lack of job that this idea popped up. When you wake up not doing anything everyday, it makes you crazy!

So for the most part, I busy myself with ideas on what to sell. For one, I've revived our baking business. And boy, did my sister and I struggle to oil our rusted baking hands back in good working condition! We were stressed out to the maximum that night, and we looked like we were the baked goods when we were done with our little experiment! We succeeded in reorienting our systems to baking pastries again. And then we were ready to announce to the whole wide world that we were selling our goodies for Christmas.

Perfecting the baking is still one of our goals every time we bake. So before we started to really take in orders for our cookies, cupcakes and bars --- just three kinds actually --- we had to test-bake everything three times first.

The other thing I get busy with is the fabric wine bottle project that I got interested in. For sure I can't sew even the buttons on my pajamas, much less use the sewing machine. The idea had been in my head and been bugging me everyday. Problem was I couldn't find anyone who could sew a sample for me. I needed an executioner! Luckily, I remembered that my friend's mom made children's dresses, even wedding gowns. The lightbulb flashed above my head, and I thought, "Maybe I could ask her to sew a sample for me!" And that's just what I did. I got the sample bags after a week or so, and was proud of my idea. Next step was the difficult one: what should I do with it now?

I consulted my brother and we had a long discussion on it. And that included a bit of arguments here and there! Typical. But I resolved to find a tailor, seamstress, dressmaker, or just about anybody who can sew using a sewing machine properly. And then I shall go around to ask if anybody's interested to buy wine bottle bags! Easy...not!

Oh well, guess that's just what it entails to grab every opportunity! Seize the day!

134

Officially, I've been out of work for 134 days!

That's not much, is it? But if you're also officially out of cash for the same number of days, that is too much!

How I am surviving, I have no idea! My credit card companies have been hounding me (and everyone else at home!) in recent days, and one already cut my credit line.

But oh, those interests and penalties and penalties and interests are just relentlessly piling up and I have refused to even open the envelopes now!

What to do? Well apply for a job, I suppose. Which I did, by the way. But as of yet, no one has called me. I've only been called for interview by a couple of government offices. With one, the interviews were grueling! Four interviews with four different lawyers and one on the spot exam on a legal issue. Can you believe that? I haven't taken an exam since the bar examinations! And that was like 6 years ago! And then I haven't been to a job interview in years! I had no idea what to expect! I even had to pretend I was so eager to work for the banking industry that I almost threw up every after interview!

Now with the other office, it was so easy. They hardly interviewed me. No challenge at all! Well they did eventually accept me, but I declined as I wasn't really interested in the office and the pay was ridiculously low for a career woman of my credentials! Well, if I do have any, of course!

So recently, I sometimes feel a slight regret on not accepting it! Now, not even one office I send an application to seems to be interested in me! Talk about karma!

134 days...going on 135...